Episode Transcript
[00:00:10] Speaker A: Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Senior Care Conversation. I'm Hilary Bailey, and this is the show where we talk honestly about aging, caregiving, and the deeply personal journeys so many of us face with our loved ones. Today's guest is someone who has walked that path with grace, resilience, and a desire to help others not feel alone.
Craig Bundren is best known professionally for his 24 years leading commercial painting projects across Houston. But beyond the job sites, Craig is also a passionate advocate for the arts. As the founder of the Bundren Arts foundation recently, though, he's taken on a far more personal role, caring for both of his parents as they navigate life with dementia. Craig, we are so excited to have you and to hear your story.
I'm literally just going to jump right in because I have so many questions for you. And I think on this show, I want to show a lot of human experiences. I want people to hear what people go through while trying to care for their aging parents so they know that they are not alone.
So I want to start off talking about your mom.
Let's talk a little bit about what her diagnosis is and what made you seek treatment for her.
[00:01:20] Speaker B: Thank you for having me on your show.
It's a pleasure to be here and to talk about these things. They are difficult things to talk about.
It's been a journey.
My mother has Alzheimer's.
Early onset dementia was what she was diagnosed with at first, and then it moved into Alzheimer's.
And I didn't catch it. I really didn't catch it. My sister caught it before I did. Christy, my. My. My oldest sister.
There was things that my mom was doing that did not match her personality, and I did not see or notice the personality change, to be honest with you. Some of the things were when we were out, we were out for my birthday one year a few years back, and my mother just really made a spectacle of herself in front of everybody in the restaurant.
And my mother's always been an outgoing and friendly person, but she was always put together, very social, not going to do anything that draws attention to herself in a public environment, just very prim and proper.
And she got very loud in a restaurant and was talking to other people and saying some things that were highly inappropriate.
And I thought that she had mixed medication. I thought she had mixed some medication, a sedative with some wine or something like that.
And so I was. I was upset. I was very upset that this was going on.
And a couple of days later, I spoke to my sister on the phone, and she said, you know, I think that that might be a sign of dementia. And I was like, no, you're crazy. Was just drunk and she was taking medicine.
The other part was she kept getting lost.
She would drive and she was getting lost.
Looking back on it, when she would get lost. We live on the outskirts of Houston, and my mother, we, she. We moved her out close to our neighborhood a few years back.
And then when she was. Would get lost, she would end up in her old neighborhood, which didn't really make any sense to me.
And we thought, well, mom, you just need to use the gps. GPS will get you home each time. And then we started figuring out that she wasn't understanding the GPS or understanding how to put information in the gps. And so there were very subtle things that could be identified as something else.
And when my sister said it was dementia, I was like, you're crazy. And then that's when we started looking into getting mom diagnosed with or from an actual doctor. And I didn't know anything about dementia. I didn't know what it was.
I was scared to death. I got on YouTube, started looking at everything. What is this about? What is this? What does it do? And you know, dementia is not one thing. It's a, a whole suite of things.
So I did a crash course in learning, you know what, what was going to happen to my mom at that point.
And the personality change was the biggest thing. Looking back on it, that was the biggest indicator because once she started progressing, the personality 100% changed. These were small little windows, like foreshadowing, if you would, of small personality changes until the big one came.
[00:05:05] Speaker A: Yeah, I think that is so important for people to know because like you said, after your mom got diagnosed, you jumped on YouTube to figure out what this was about. Which leads me to my next question is a lot of times in my work, I will be speaking with clients, family members of people who have dementia, and they'll say, I'll say, well, what kind of education did your physician give you after you were diagnosed? And a lot of it's like, know they gave us a brochure and told us to go to Alzheimer's.org did your. Her physician, her neurologist, give you any information about what the progression of Alzheimer's looks like, what to do when we get to a certain point, or did you do it all on your own?
[00:05:45] Speaker B: Smile when you're asking me that. Because it was such a time of us not knowing and looking into things. And you would think that, hey, I'm going to go to a doctor and A doctor is going to tell me what's wrong.
And they won't. They did not. They came up with all kinds of things and they say maybe dementia, and they would put early onset dementia in her file.
But there was all these other things, too. And the worst thing that happened was mom and dad went to see a doctor and my mother had had some depression and she was on an antidepressant.
And the doctor said, one of the things that the doctor said to him was this could be the antidepressant showing up and depression as pseudo dementia.
Well, everybody wants, if something bad's going to happen, everybody wants the least amount of bad to happen. And so pseudo dementia sounded like something that was, was less harmful and that maybe could be corrected. And so my parents grabbed onto that and us too, when they told us that. But then as we looked further into pseudo dementia, I got my mom to an Alzheimer's specialist and that's when we first really started getting some of the, the real information.
But prior to that, mom was seeing three to four different doctors and each one told her a different diagnosis. And so even when we got to where we were meeting with the Alzheimer's specialist, they still didn't believe that mom wasn't going to get better from this. Mom and dad didn't believe.
The doctor knew.
And even though he knew, I would say that they looked at it more of a treatment type thing. How do we treat this? We'll treat this by this or that. They still didn't go into this is what's going to happen. This is, you know, and you've got about X amount of time, if you ask him a time frame on anything, would not give, it would not give any kind of timeline and had all the reasons in the world why they couldn't give you a timeline.
And as my mother progressed, it went fast. It went very, very fast. The other thing that I'll say is we went to a specialist in the Texas Medical center because if you go to the Texas Med center, that is, you know, some of the best care that you can get.
And we got her into a trial and you hear all these stories about people that have cancer and they get into this trial and they miraculously get better. And not that I expected my mother to get better, like the dementia leave, but I thought that it was going to really slow it down or really help.
And the only thing that it really did, I think, was give them more data for their, for their trial. And there's nothing wrong with that, but it's a hope that we had. That was once again lost.
[00:09:04] Speaker A: Yeah. So let me ask you when you first. I know you said you were full of fear when you found out that your mom had dementia because you were uneducated, which is one of the reasons I wanted to do this show, so we can educate people and take the fear out of dementia or what it takes to care for your loved one when they get older, like, what your options are.
So did you sit down. Did your family sit down together after your mom was diagnosed and talk with her about her future and how she wanted that to look?
[00:09:34] Speaker B: I would like to say, yes, that we sat down and we had this great conversation, but the conversation was more of the kids getting together and trying to figure out how we're going to handle this and take care of mom and dad the best that we can.
Their conversation was slightly different. Theirs was, you know, like, mom didn't want to sell her car because when she starts driving again, you know, so it was very unrealistic, the expectations that were coming out of my parents.
[00:10:08] Speaker A: Mm.
[00:10:09] Speaker B: So it was hard to talk to him about it. And even though we planned everything out, you're dealing. You're planning this with a person.
I don't want to say that's not going to be there, but it's a person that their personality is going to change about face in a few months. So it's very hard to plan it with one personality and execute it with another, if that makes sense.
[00:10:38] Speaker A: Yes. And so. I know. So do your. Your siblings. Are they involved in helping you make decisions for your parents, or do you guys have a relationship where you can do that?
[00:10:50] Speaker B: So I have two siblings, and one is equally vested in. In helping me, and we. We really help each other. And then one of them just decided. My other sister decided that she was. She wasn't interested. She wasn't going to have anything to. To do with any of it. And so she basically disappeared. And there's some days that I'm. I'm jealous of that. It's sad to say, but, you know, that's not what I'm gonna do.
[00:11:15] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:11:16] Speaker B: But, yeah, it's. It's a.
I don't think anybody thinks about how hard it's gonna be or what it entails. Because you're taking care of your parents. Oh, my gosh. I've got the chance to take care of the people that cared for me my whole life.
Well, that changes when those people are very upset about what you're trying to do for them or don't realize that you're trying to do for something for them.
And you know, my mother has been very, very good about accepting help, but my father's not good about accepting help for himself or my mother. And so there was a whole new difficulty that was put into it from my father, from him wanting his ways.
[00:11:57] Speaker A: And we are going to get into that. I promise you, sir.
That is one of the things I'm excited about. So thank you for being so open so far.
And for those that may watching that want to connect with you or learn more about your work, where can they find you online?
[00:12:13] Speaker B: You can look up our company website. It's www.bundren or www.bundrenpainting.com.
[00:12:21] Speaker A: Okay, awesome. Well, guys, we will be right back with more from Craig.
We'll be right back with more insight, expert advice and stories that matter to every generation. And we're back. I'm Hilary Bailey and you're watching the Senior Care Conversation on NOW Media Television.
Loving what you're watching. Don't miss a moment of the Senior Care Conversation or any of your favorite NOW Media TV shows, live or on demand, anytime, anywhere. Download the free Now Media TV app on Roku or iOS and enjoy instant access to our full lineup of bilingual programming in both English and Spanish. Prefer to listen on the go catch the podcast version of the show right on the Now Media TV website at www.nowmedia.tv. from business and breaking news to lifestyle, culture and everything in between, now media TV is streaming 247 ready whenever you are.
All right, guys, it is still me. I am back with Craig Bundren, who has not only faced the emotional side of his mother's Alzheimer's diagnosis, but has also stepped into the very practical and often overwhelming role of decision maker for both of his parents. In this segment, we'll talk about what it really means to be a power of attorney, medical power of attorney, especially with the weight that that comes with and how Craig manages that responsibility from day to day.
So when I know were you a medical power of attorney for your parents before your mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's?
[00:13:56] Speaker B: I was. I was not. It was one of those things where I was always going to be the executor of the will. They had talked about that for years. And so it was kind of a, well, we've already put Craig in that, in that position. So when the medical power of attorney and all of those things came up, it was just assumed, I would say that I was going to be the person. And it was assumed by me and everyone else. And to be Honest with you, I did not give it the weight or thought that it deserved. It's a, it's a major tool.
It is a powerful tool and it can do some great things and.
[00:14:47] Speaker A: It.
[00:14:47] Speaker B: Can tear your family apart as well. I mean, it's got sharp edges.
[00:14:52] Speaker A: Yes, absolutely. So I guess I answered the next question is. So you were not educated on what exactly it meant to have to make the decisions for your parents when you signed that document. You just kind of signed it just because. And you weren't exactly what you were signing. Exactly sure what you were signing or what that meant. Right.
[00:15:11] Speaker B: I knew what I was signing and we were at my parents lawyer and it's a, that's a family friend and it's been that way.
Really. What I thought it was a power of attorney because my parents believed that I was going to do everything in my power to make sure that they were taken care of and they were on board and why would I make a decision to do something that they wouldn't be on board with?
So fast forward now, there's some decisions that need to be made and my dad does not like those decisions, nor does he want to make those decisions.
So now I'm a bad person. You know, if I choose to put this power of attorney into effect and make a decision that I think is the best for their career, there's a good chance that I'm going to get just completely cut out of their life as that I, I'm basically removed as their son. You know, I'm going to be the guy that took something away from them. And both of their personalities have changed once again. My mother is pretty easygoing, but I think as my father loses more control, he grasps at everything else that he can to try to feel like he's got control of something.
And his, his way of dealing with things is anger, screaming, throwing things.
You know, he's got dementia as well.
His is not Alzheimer's and he's better than my mother because he can, he can still function socially.
But his anger, he goes from zero to anger in less than a second. I mean it is just anytime he thinks somebody's trying to control him and we have become those people. And since I have the power of attorney, I can be a very, very bad person in his eyes. And I still haven't even gone full against him yet.
[00:17:15] Speaker A: So.
Because I know a lot of people are going to want to watch this because it's someone real talking about what is going on. What are some of the decisions that you have wanted to make for your parents. You've tried to make for your parents that were shoed away by your dad or you got fought on.
[00:17:41] Speaker B: The, the big one pertaining to him is that he, he should not drive.
And trying to have that conversation with him, he just won't have the conversation. And then when you look into that, that is a very. You would think that, that you hear all these people with aging parents talk about, well, the day we took our keys from. Or the keys from mom or dad.
If you look into the, the legality of that, there's a process with the Department of Public Safety to go through to have someone's license revoked, or you can go to a doctor and have them have the person diagnosed is not able to drive.
But all those things require, or the doctor part requires, you know, would require my dad to be there to, to take a test.
So none of those are easy. And the power of attorney. I could sell his truck. I could take his truck away from him.
Once again, I call it the nuclear option. Because anytime that if I push one of these buttons, it's going to blow everything up. And not only will I lose access to him, but I will lose easy access to my mother. I'll still be able to go in there.
However, it will be a hostile situation with my father.
Thanks for my mother's care.
He.
I think I've mentioned before, my dad doesn't really have the tools to deal with things, so he just wants to fight and anger and these decisions that come up, he just wants to fight them and wants to make sure that it's his way. And so examples of that are the care for my mother.
He would call us up when times are hard and say, I, I can't do this anymore. I need help.
So we hired a company and got him help. And then he didn't want the help because he wasn't in pain anymore. You know, this, this problem kind of fixed itself. I'm not all upset now. So therefore get these people to leave.
And as my mother has progressed, she needs more and more hours of help.
She can't get up during the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. Well, he says that I don't want a care worker there at night.
And we try to respect what we can of their wishes. But when it comes down to my mother not getting the care that she needs, if she's going to be on the floor somewhere because she's fallen and can't get up, then we're going to override that and have a care worker.
There was the issue of bringing a hospital bed and into the house. For my mother, the.
The care worker was having trouble changing her and just dressing her, moving her.
God, there's so many things. Hillary.
There was a hoyer lift that we were using to help pick her up. And it's like every time we turn somewhere, he was fighting us on this. And it feels to me, it felt like he didn't want to bring anything into the house. That was a sign that my mother was aging, progressing in her disease, or needed more help.
And so a hospital bed was a sign of that.
More care was a sign of that. The hoyer lift that they used to pick her up off the floor.
And you can't rationalize with him that mom shouldn't be on the floor. And if mom wasn't on the floor, we wouldn't have these issues.
You know, he just thinks that it's going to get fixed.
And so we've had to really fight to get those things in there. So those are the POA type things.
And the other is, you know, trying to make sure that they aren't taken advantage of by someone because they write checks, they give credit card numbers, they take phone calls, and on the other end of those checks, phone calls, everything. People knocking on the door are people that know they're elderly and maybe don't have the best intentions.
[00:22:04] Speaker A: Absolutely.
So let's talk about this stress that this puts on people like you that have to deal with it. You know, I know that you don't physically, you know, care for your mom, but I feel like there's something.
Decision fatigue can come into effect with somebody who has to make all the choices. Like what. What has that stress been like for you?
And how do you take care of yourself?
Or do you.
[00:22:32] Speaker B: It's.
It's tough. It's very tough. It's.
I'm very good at compartmentalization.
However, that doesn't serve me very well.
Watching my parents degrade in health is extremely hard. I am not the person there that's taking care of them. However, I do go over there and see if you're used to your mother presenting herself one way, and now you see a person that can't go to the bathroom by themselves or can't get dressed or, you know, their. Their hair's not combed like it used to be, or the makeup's different.
All these little things that you really didn't. That I really didn't think would have an effect on me, have a tremendous effect on me because it's, It's. I'M seeing the person that I love become unrecognizable physically and mentally.
I want to help this person. There's nothing that I can do.
And then to top that off, as we try to help, I've got my dad fighting me.
And that really brings stress because whether I want to acknowledge it or not, we still have a parent child relationship in his mind. And he doesn't want his kids telling him what to do or what he can and can't do.
And internally, I process my dad's voice yelling as I've done something wrong. It takes me right back to my childhood. So I'm like, I'm hurting my dad. I know he's hurting, but I'm trying to do the best thing that I can and I can't use logic to work it out. And then his only defense is screaming and yelling.
I would rather not be involved at all because I can't go over there typically and leave and come home and be like, oh, that was a good visit. Even if it was a good visit, I've started noticing that the day after I would go visit my parents would be a very difficult day for me in all kinds of ways of just unhappy, sad, and was having a big effect on me where I thought I was compartmentalizing, not so much.
[00:25:03] Speaker A: Yeah.
Well, Craig, thank you again so much for your honesty. This is going to help so many people. And we are going to take another short break and we will be right back, guys.
We'll be right back with more insight, expert advice and stories that matter to every generation. And we're back. I'm Hillary Bailey and you're watching the Senior Care Conversation on NOW Media Television.
Welcome back to the Senior Care Conversation again, I'm Hilary Bailey, your host, and we have been hearing Craig Bundren's incredible story of love, responsibility and family. In this next chapter, things take an even more complex turn as we've talked about in earlier segments, because now Craig is caring for both of his parents who are each living with dementia at different stages.
So we're going to talk about how this new layer has shifted the dynamic and how he's managing the emotional toll.
So, Craig, I want to start with I know your dad was just recently, I believe, diagnosed with dementia maybe a year or two ago with mild dementia, but it seems to have gotten a little bit worse.
Let's talk about the changes that you've seen in him from, I don't know, two years ago to now.
[00:26:17] Speaker B: When mom first started showing signs of dementia, dad was still pretty with it. And concerned. And then. Then he started kind of digressing. And for him.
[00:26:40] Speaker A: It'S.
[00:26:40] Speaker B: It's really accentuated with the anger part because he doesn't understand what's going on, but he won't tell you he doesn't understand what's going on. So he tries to follow a conversation, but you know that he's not getting all the bits. So he. He would ask a lot of questions and we would really work to make sure that he understood.
And then I think he would think that it was like we were. We were over oversimplifying it for him. And then that, you know, hit his ego or something, and then he was upset with that.
He forgets a lot of things.
And this sounds really weird. And the. I'm a very logical person logic has a big stake in my life.
We do a lot for my parents, and we took control of their finances because mom couldn't do the. The checkbook and all of that and was paying all her credit cards late. And so we took over the finances and my wife pays all their bills, and we would look into what the bills were.
There was some yard service people that. That really tried to overcharge, take advantage of them. And when we would ask questions about that, that was getting into his private life. And so he would get mad about that and. But they've never tried to take the. The paying the bills back.
But it's like he forgets how much we're helping him with things. And then he gets mad and yells and curses and tells us to get out of the house.
There was things that were going on with mom and he just didn't want those to happen.
And so he would say, an example would be, I don't want a caregiver here overnight. And we would say, okay, then what's the plan? What. What do we do to keep mom protected?
And he'd say, I don't know. We'll just. We'll deal with it as it comes. We'll deal with it as it comes is Mom's on the floor, you're calling 91 1, and an ambulance is coming to. To pick her up off the floor. And so that's not really an answer to the question, so. Well, dad, we've. We've tried that. And Mom's still getting hurt, and we have to make sure that she's not going to break another bone.
So what's the plan? I don't have a plan. Leave me alone. You know, then he would just lose it, and then. You can't do Anything.
And so he's getting in the way of her care, but doesn't realize it. And then, you know, would scream at us, get out of the house. Don't ever come back here again.
And it would be very upsetting, and I would get angry as well. And it's like, you want to go? Okay, fine. We're going to take the checkbooks. We're going to just bring everything back, and here you go. And I won't even be involved. I don't. I don't even want to help anymore.
But we're not doing that. We can't do that. And I don't want to see my mom suffer because of that.
But it's very hard because I see my mother, who is in angel, and she's suffering, and she can't care for herself at all.
And then I've got my father, who is just mad. He's mad that she's suffering. He's mad that he doesn't know what's going on. And we're calling the shots.
So there's a note. There's.
I've broken this thing down so many different ways.
There's no good answer.
There's no part of it. That's the happy ending. That.
And if you make any plans, We've made beautiful plans. We've made these great plans, and the next day they're null and void because it doesn't matter because things change so quickly.
You know, if you get ready for this and then somebody breaks a bone, all of that's out.
Or if now somebody can't walk or get up some stairs or get in a bed, then all those plans have changed.
That's.
I don't know. It's just been a lot of anger on his part, watching him go down, and.
And he doesn't remember things. So the other portion of it, is it from my point of view. I grew up with my dad, and I'm trying to tell my dad something now, and my dad's going, no, that's not necessary.
In my mind, I'm trying to weigh out, does he really know? Or is this the dementia?
Is he with it enough to figure out that this is what he wants? Or. So it's kind of like you're hearing the words and also trying to interpret what the actual meaning of that is, or should I listen to him? Should we follow his wishes because it makes sense? Or is it just him trying to get us to leave him alone?
I hope that part makes sense. It's very, very difficult to.
To know what the Right answer is, I guess that's my big thing. Hillary is I want to help, I want to do the right thing. And what's the right thing? What's the right thing for him? What's the right thing for her? What's the right thing for us?
[00:32:09] Speaker A: It is the question I'm sure so many people that are in your position ask because I think people get just as frustrated as you are because maybe they feel like they're not making the right choice, but we really don't know. They really don't know what the right choice is. And sometimes there's not a right choice. There's just a better choice, you know, in that moment. And we may find out later it may have not been the better choice. We just don't know. It's kind of like a trial and error thing. So I know that you've talked with me before about your dad having a hard time watching your mom decline.
What has been the hardest part for you watching your mom decline?
[00:32:49] Speaker B: That one's, that one's tough.
The little things in the beginning, the little personality differences were, were difficult, but seeing, seeing her not be able to care for herself. And my mother is in Alzheimer's, but she still, she's like in the throes of it, but she's still has these moments of clarity and she makes more sense than my dad at times.
So it's, it's hard.
Her journey has also been like, she knows who we are and she's got great long term memory. Her short term memory is, is not very good. But where it's really affected her is her body is failing her.
The, the ability to walk, the ability to.
She's. And I didn't even know this was a thing. But the, the left side, I forgot what you referred to it as. But the left side neglect. She doesn't pay pardon.
[00:34:06] Speaker A: Left side neglect.
[00:34:07] Speaker B: Thank you. She doesn't pay attention to her left side. If you walk up on her left side, she does not know you're there and you have to get basically in front of her and then you'll see her take a minute to recognize you.
That's been the difficult part is to watch her lose mobility to, to lose a lot of her joy and then know that there's a portion of her that is trapped in a body that's failing her and she knows it.
And you can have a conversation about that with her. She'll answer questions.
But then turning to my dad and trying to have a conversation with him about how he's dealing with her there's no conversation to be had. It's going to come back anger or, or denial. And I know he's suffering and I would love to help him, but that's not going to, that's not going to happen.
[00:35:06] Speaker A: Yeah.
You can't help somebody who won't allow it. So, last question from this segment. What do you miss the most about your mom from before she got sick? What character trait of hers do you miss the most?
[00:35:23] Speaker B: My mom was a very, very kind person. My mom is a very, very loving person.
And that, not that she's not kind anymore, not that she's not loving, but it's just not the same.
She doesn't call me.
I had a birthday recently, you know, I haven't heard anything from her about that. And not that I had that expectation. It's just another thing that's different now.
Used to we would have long phone calls. I, my mother was somebody that I could tell anything to.
You can't have those conversations now. It's a very childlike conversation. It's still a good conversation because there's love and you can feel it.
But it's, it's difficult because I don't have that person that was there with me for 50 years of my life.
It's just a different person.
And that's probably the, the hardest thing for me. And, and it's the little things like the hair not being combed the way she normally does or walking in her house and seeing that there's cobwebs somewhere where cobwebs never would have been or weeds in the flower bed. I mean, it's all the little things that you take for granted that make up a person's personality that have changed. That's really the difficult thing in dealing with it for me.
[00:36:49] Speaker A: Yeah.
They do call Alzheimer's the slow goodbye. So I think we, you can relate to that because it really is just a slow goodbye of, of who they were just kind of disappears a little more every day, which is really hard. So thank you for allowing us into such a personal and emotional space. And guys, we are going to be back with one more segment with Chris Craig. We'll see you then.
We'll be right back with more insight, expert advice and stories that matter to every generation. And we're back. I'm Hilary Bailey and you're watching the Senior Care Conversation on NOW Media Television.
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Okay guys. We are back with today's guest, Craig Bundren, who has walked along an emotional road and continues to what makes the story so meaningful is not just the pain, but the purpose he's now found in helping others not feel so alone by coming on our show. The final segment is all about encouragement, honesty and the practical tips that can help families walking a similar path.
So Craig, I'm going to jump right into this.
What are some things that you wish you knew back then that you know now while caring for your aging parents? What would you have done sooner? What would you have done later?
[00:38:39] Speaker B: I had known the dementia was coming, I think that we would have tried to plan better with them having them involved in it rather than it feels like everything was by the seat of our pants and then gave the gave room for my dad to change things. And I, I wish that while mom was still in a more with it time that we could have really got her wishes out on what she wanted. Because right now she's more about making people happy. Even in the throes of Alzheimer's, my mother is more concerned with the caregivers and people around her being okay than she is with herself being okay. So that makes it hard to make decisions. So I think one of the big things would be that we understood what was about to happen, we had planned better for it, and that my father understood what was going to happen versus just trying to go through it off the cuff.
[00:39:55] Speaker A: Yeah.
So I know we talked about this a little bit earlier, but even though you aren't there physically caring for your parents daily, we talked about the decision burnout.
How do you take care of yourself when you are just at the point to where you're like, okay, I can't deal with one more minute of this.
I know you've had a time when you had both of your parents, you were trying to deal with stuff that was going on with them. Like what do you do to take care of yourself and let other people know that it's okay to be like, hey, I need a minute. What do you do?
[00:40:33] Speaker B: There's a lot of little things that I've done for Self care.
But talking to people has been the biggest thing.
I can make up stories about what's right and what I should be and could and all of these things and make it where I'm the bad person. But I would, I would bring things up to people and talk through them and they're, they would restate things to me. And I'm like, oh my gosh, I see what you're saying. But when I've dug this hole and jumped in to help and all I can see is what's in the hole, then it becomes very difficult.
But talking to people that are outside the hole give me a fresh perspective on what's really going on. And there's a lot of areas that I was beating myself up or thinking that I'm this horrible person for not wanting to do this or that There's a lot of guilt.
I've heard a lot of stories about how people have cared for their parents and you know, these very emotional times that they did something special for, for their mom or dad.
And to be honest with you, our family was not set up like that. You know, I'm not going to go in there and, and bathe my father. Now I have a friend who's going through the exact same thing and, and him and his father had a different relationship and that's something that he put forward. But I felt guilty about that. And then I talked to a lot of people and they were, that were saying, you know, it's okay for you to have these boundaries.
And boundaries is really, really important thing because I was pushing a lot of them down. I'm the kid, it's my responsibility. I've got to take care of this and I've got to do this.
So I was taking on a whole lot and it's unsustainable. I was driving myself crazy.
I'm pushing this agenda. I want my dad to conform.
I need him to do this. And I'm taking it all on. And it is tearing me up inside to the point where we have caregivers for them, we have people taking care of them.
I really had to just say, I'm putting it down for a little bit. I'm going to step back.
And I think one of the really good things is in marriage.
Somebody said a marriage is not really 50, 50.
A marriage is 50, 50.
It's 80, 20, it's 90, 10. I think it was Brene Brown that brought that up. And you know, somebody is always giving more than the other.
And that's really what, what this is. You Know, it's. I'm giving you everything I've got. Okay? I've got to pull it way back because I cannot sustain what I'm doing right now or this level of stress.
And, you know, the. The other thing that was that. That's difficult is if you're trying to care for aging parents, they look at you as, this is the person that's trying to care for me. This is a person. So they want to give you the things that they want to give you. They don't want to give you the things they don't want to.
So you take.
I've taken on a lot of things that I didn't want to take on. And then the phone rings, and the phone's not ringing anymore to say, hey, buddy, how are you doing? Hey, I was thinking about you today. The phone is ringing to say, your mother's on the floor, or, you know, she's broken something, or, you know, we need your help with this.
And, you know, there's other times where he didn't want to talk to me and was mad at me, but then he forgot he was mad at me, and he's calling me, asking me for something, and I'm still upset, so I'm having to deal with all of that. You know, do I. Do I push that down and just go take care of what I need to.
There comes a time where you've got to put boundaries there. There's a time that I'm going to have to say, dad, you.
You can't drive. We're taking the truck, or mom is going to do this. I'm sorry that you're upset about it, but that's what's going to happen because you. You're not able to care for her anymore.
Once again, a long winded answer.
[00:45:01] Speaker A: No, I love it because I think, like, that's the meat of what people need to hear is I loved what you said about boundaries, because I know there are a lot of adult children out there that won't set those boundaries, and they will run themselves ragged and into the ground before they do stop and step back and say, hey, wait a minute. Or they feel bad because they don't want to give a shower. And it's like, hey, I have a friend who told me one time, he said, you know, Hillary, I really love my mom, but I don't want to see her butt. And I'm like, hey, like, I totally understand that that's not somewhere that you want to go with your mom. So I think that this boundaries conversation that is exactly what people need to hear. And that hearing it from somebody who's gone through it, that they can just say, hey, I saw this guy on tv. I am stepping back. I am going to step back outside of this for a couple of days, Let someone else handle it. And I know you have a lot of. You talked about you have support from your sister, so that helps as well. Right?
[00:46:01] Speaker B: Very, very much. And one of the things with her is I would tell her, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm not doing this right now. I'm sorry. Or there's. There's times where she's completely wound up about something. We got to find the answer. And I'm like, I'm not going to do it right now. I'll give you an answer on Thursday.
[00:46:19] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:46:19] Speaker B: Just because I can't. And there was guilt for that. And then one day she told me, she says, look, I know you're there. And my sister travels a lot.
[00:46:27] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:46:28] Speaker B: So she's like, I know you're there.
I know it's a lot harder on you right now. I'm gonna take it for a little bit. And you come back when you're ready. And so that's super beneficial. And then you think, I wish the other sister would step in.
[00:46:41] Speaker A: That would be. Yeah. You know, in my experience, there's always one or two children in the work that I do that.
That make the decisions that are the ones that are just really involved.
So the last question I'm going to ask you. If you had someone like you sitting in front of you and you only had a minute to tell them what's helped you the most or what they should consider the most when they are dealing with their aging parents. What piece of advice would you want to give them?
[00:47:17] Speaker B: It's okay not to make everybody happy.
You're the. The. The problems that you have to solve are not the types of problems where everybody agrees and it's magic in the forest. You know, you have to make the decisions that you make and trust your gut and know that you're coming from a place of love and care for this person.
That would be the biggest thing that I would say.
[00:47:48] Speaker A: Okay, awesome. Well, thank you so much for coming on the show and being so honest and real about the story with your parents. I think it's going to help so many people, and that's what I want this show to do, is to educate people, help people, make them not feel so alone when they're going through things like you're going through now with your parents because we know it's not over for you quite yet. So your story is very powerful.
So for those watching who want to follow and support the Bundren Arts foundation, where can they connect with you to do so?
[00:48:19] Speaker B: Bundren buildingarts.org and then we have a Instagram page as well. Okay, you can reach out to that.
[00:48:29] Speaker A: Awesome. Well, thank you so much. So much, guys. To everyone watching, caregiving doesn't always look like pushing a wheelchair or dispensing medication. Sometimes it's being the decision maker. Sometimes it's being the emotional glue holding everything together. And sometimes it's just showing up like Craig talked about over and over again, even when it's hard and maybe you don't want to. If you're walking this path, I hope Craig's story reminds you that you're not alone. This is the Senior Care Conversation. I'm Hilary Bailey. Thank you for spending time with us today, and we'll see you next time with more stories of strength, support, and compassion.
Okay, we're done.
